As I have confessed on this blog before, I love jokes and I love YouTube. Each are at their best when combined. And like all funny things that have gone viral, so has this little kid David. How could he not? It is hilarious to watch a kid say the things we have asked ourselves at our darkest moments. I know I have asked myself “Is this real life?” “Is this gonna be forever?” Of course it was never to my mom or dad video recording me. Shit. If it was, I probably would have stopped using drugs a decade ago. Well, at least the ones that make me question reality and life. Anywho, I have watched this video 10 times and it keeps on getting better. I used to babysit a 2 and 4 year back in college and there were so many times I wished I had caught them on tape with their “kids say the darndest things” quotes. Videos like this make me want to kids. But then I remember all the other crap that comes with it and let’s just say. . . uh yeaaaaaaaah.
Ok. So I have been MIA for over a week. Sorry to all 3 of you. The reason behind my absence is that I have started a new job. And unfortunately/fortunately not the kind where I am behind a desk for 8 hours. Due to the horrible market and the fact that I can not find a job in my field, I have taken my first restaurant job. Sadly, I am making less than what I made at my college internship over 6 years ago. Grrr! But at this point something is better than nothing, right? Focus on the positive.
Two (four by the time I posted this) nights ago my new job celebrated a staff appreciation party since the restaurant industry does not have time to throw holiday parties at the same time everybody else does. Everything was going well (I even won movie tickets in a raffle) until we ended up at the after party at Radio Bar in downtown Oakland. MG left early so I was to call him when we were finished. As I was getting ready to leave from the bar stool my ass was planted on, I somehow tripped and twisted my ankle BAAAD and fell to the floor. I was so embarassed and injured that I got up and ran out of the door to the nearest cab. In this delerium, I somehow managed to get myself home but lost my wallet in the process. Appearently my hysteria and non stop crying over my softball-sized ankle scared MG into thinking he should take me to the hospital. When he went looking for my insurance cards in my wallet in my purse - wallet was not to be found. But surprisingly all my cash was. Talk about an all around buzz kill. I stopped my sobbing and became sober real quick. Called ALL the cab companies and NADA.
So we know the deal. Cancel everything. I was hoping that like so many others who have had this unfortunate experience, my good karma would be rewarded and my wallet returned. So now I start from scratch with WaMu and the DMV. I ordered up a new AmEx and insurance cards. I called up Experian, et al. to protect myself from identity fraud. Basically a bunch of things I should have done when I moved back from Vegas. Focus on the positive, right?
Now that it is Thursday and the swelling on my ankle is starting to go down (thanks R.I.C.E.) and I am finally at peace with my lost wallet I GET AN EMAIL FROM A SECURITY GAURD MANAGER THAT FOUND MY WALLET! So after a few days of feeling shitty, my late karma is bringing me back up.
There are many morals in this story: 1) Don’t procrastinate and take care of admin business in your life in a timely manner. 2) Listen to you intution. I should have changed purses and brought a small, sleek, chic purse vs. my ginormousyellow bag. 3) Don’t be a drunkattentionwhore flirting with strangers when your loving boyfriend is waiting for you at home. You will break your leg and lose your wallet.
Let it be known that I LOVE the Notorious B.I.G.aka Biggie Smalls aka Biggie aka Big Poppa aka Chris Wallace. In 1997 when his double disc album Life After Death came out, I played that shit non-stop. Still to this day, it is one of my all time favs. My alarm clock was my 3-disc CD player and every morning I woke up to what has been described as his “thick, jaunty grumble.” I wonder how different the the rap game would be if he was still around? If you don’t know, Biggie was murdered in a LA drive by shooting 2 weeks before his album dropped. I have missed Big for over a decade. Nobody will ever compare to him and I can’t wait to see this new movie.
Reminising about Life After Death takes me back to high school. Every song reminds me of a party or special time that I spent with my best freinds. There was this one night after a birthday party at Wild Rivers where the whole group got epic sunburns, even the Black guy! Well, we were kids and wanted to continue the summer party all night, so everybody ended up at the birthday boy’s backyard. I can’t remember if we were drinking or not, but I do recall going into the garage with my friend O (the sunburned Black guy) and M.F. and literally out of nowhere grabbed brushes and tools and put on a dance concert and rapped out all the songs on the CD. It was like a trance. The music was blasting, we were spittin’ game, passing the mic, acting a fool! Oh my goooooodness! Once we came to some interlude (there are many on that album) we all kinda looked at each other like, “Uhhh what just happened? I hope nobody ever finds out we were just doing this.” Wow I am laughing so hard even thinking about this right now.
I am just too happy for words right now. Just like whenever this song has played over the past 10 years. R.I.P. Big Poppa!
I guess this is what my mom always meant by, “Don’t be so over-dramatic!” When I was a little girl I thought she meant that I wanted to be an actress when I was older. Which I didn’t. Regardless, I never really thought myself to be THAT dramatic. Sure, at times we all are, but am I completely out of my mind for throwing a huge hissy over my B of A situation from earlier? (While typing that out I just got a flashback of a previous situation where I threw a major fit at the CTO back at UCLA. Yowza! I forgot about that. Over tickets no less. In front of a crowd. And a girl I studied abroad with that worked inside. Can’t take that back now.)
Scene of the Crime
I guess I just hate hearing “no” and can’t handle being a rational adult when I can’t get my way. Sucks for me. Don’t judge – I’m working on it.
Long rant short, all I wanted to do today was go for a walk, lower a monthly payment, pretend to be responsible and get some administrative BS taken care of. Instead I hyperventilated on the phone with 2 different people, lost all my numbers in my cell phone, and cried my eyes out the rest of the day.
This is not exactly how I wanted to spend my last night of unemployment. Good thing Waiting to Exhale is on VH1.
B of A really fucked my shit up today. I am not going to go into detail because you, my friends, do not need the boring details. But let’s put it this way: I AM NEVER GOING TO ANOTHER B of A ATM AGAIN IN MY LIFE. They have lost me as a customer and just for the record I was never a customer by choice. My credit card company was bought out by them a few years ago and that’s that.
I would like to send a shout out to that bitchwhorecuntfaceidot, Kylie, who can be reached at the fax number 602-597-4835. I hope Bank of America burns in hell for all the stress they caused me today. Fuck them. They have lost my business FOR LIFE! MG is even closing his account after 12 years of them ass fucking him. As you can see, I am really, really, really, really upset about what went down today. Hopefully it will be a blessing in disguise. I need to find a silver lining right? Grrrrrr I wish they went belly up like all the other blood sucking banks.
Not enough of my friends or random people I don’t know read this blog yet so I will have to send the usual suspects an email link to this entry. OMG I feel super cool that I just said that! I’m also feeling chipper ’cause I just got a shoutout on my friends blog. Ohhhh I am slowly moving up in this world (of blogs – let’s be clear)! Earlier, while I was bloghopping a.k.a. waiting for the Comcast guy, I came across this little video. Gosh I love other people’s blogs. And Youtube. And changing lyrics of popular songs to make jokes. Come on! Who doesn’t love Weird Al Yankovich?
This video is dedicated to all my peeps! I’m a future M.O.T.!
A few weeks ago my mom sent me this email. Since she just learned how to use the Internet last year, Ma Dukes sends all kinds of crap my way. It’s interesting to know that the same emails I got when I started an AOL account are still going around 10 years later. But to her credit she doesn’t send 20 a day like she used to. I think she finally listened to the pleas from my sister and me.
Anywho, 2008 has been one hell of a year to say the least. I am currently a victim of this heinous economy and when Mommy sent over this inspirational email it got my brain juices flowing. My parents are awesome and I am so thankful they are mine. (I share them with Pig, my lovely, hilarious, younger sister and Brasha, my handsome, kindhearted, Coast Guard brother.) Without my parents I probably would have gone insane or worse, committed suicide. Sorry to be dark, but it true. But both Ma and Pa Dukes say the greatest things to put life into perspective and help me realize that I will be OK no matter what happens.
Enough about that doo doo and on to the goods. If any of you out there feel like you have no goals, aspirations, or anything positive to look forward to tomorrow maybe this will help. A month ago it really helped me and I just wanted to share a motherly email. I must be PMSing.
1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to G-d about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, ‘My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________’.
4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.
6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
7. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
9. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
11. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
13. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
14. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years will this matter?’
17. Forgive everyone for everything.
18. What other people think of you is none of your business.
19. G-d heals everything – but you have to ask Him.
20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
21. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!
22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.
24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You’ll be smiling before you know it.
Super cheesey. I know. But it was what I needed when she sent it.
Apparently those little icons in the browser URL are called “favicons.” Never knew. Well Google just changed theirs. Trust me when I tell you I am not that big of a “google nerd” but every time I open my homepage or do a Google search, I see this new little icon favicon. Point is – I don’t like it. It’s too harsh. It distracts me and reminds me of a stained glass window.This reminds me about church; which reminds me that I was once a Catholic. Then I think about how horrible the Catholic Church is and then I get mad at Google for changing things up on me and leading me down that line of thinking! But it’s Google. They always update things and usually for the better. I wished I worked at Google. Should I have started a Blogspot blog? I’m sure I will one day.
There are few “intelligent” women in the media that offend me as much as crazy Ann Coulter. My body physically reacts when she starts talking. Ugh! I just watched her promote her new dumb book on the View and my heart is racing with anger. I don’t want to say much else about this lady because that’s what she wants. Everything you need to know about this “c-u-next-Tuesday” is here.
When did SNL get funny again? I feel that ever since Tina Fey did all those Sarah Palin impressions Lorne Michaels knew he had to step up game. Job well done! I don’t have a life, so on Saturday nights when I’m flipping between commericals I always catch some hilarious shit on SNL. A few weeks ago it was this now Doogie Howser is in on the jokes. Loves it!
I have never blogged before but I am probably addicted to half a dozen. They’re fun and make me happy. Now of course it’s better when I don’t have to put any energy into my fun – but I am depressed, fat, and stuck in a rut. I need some goals in my life. And gosh darn it, if one is: wake up, take a shower, and talk some bullshit on the internet – so be it. I’ve wanted to start a blog for some time now but never really had the motivation to do so. Plus I knew I needed an awesome “catchy” name for the blog, but I’m a dumb dumb and I couldn’t settle on a good one. My boyfriend (I’ll call him MG here), who knows nada about blogs even started one before me! Albeit 3 days earlier, but I am such a competitive bitch, I knew I needed to get on that before he blogs circles around me.
Finally, last night watching the Golden Globes for 5 seconds before MG and I put on Fred Claus, I saw Colin Farrell win an award. MG said, “He is about to go off on a tangent. I can never understand when he speaks with his Irish accent.” (Sidebar – MG has a thing about accents. He does not have the patience to decipher what they are saying which is kind of hilarious because both his parents have heavy Russian accents.) I disagreed with him saying, “He is sober now so he won’t blabber on forever. He’ll keep it short and sweet.” He didn’t and we did not understand anything he was saying. But he did say, “I hate to wax lyrical about this blah blah blah” Not knowing what the phrase meant and my refusal that actors could be more intelligent than me – I wiki’d it.
I fell in love with this little gem of a phrase and knew that I finally found a word (technically two) that is suitable for my blog. Unfortunately, it was alreadytakenin wordpress so I added another x. Whatevs. Ya’ll get the point.
Thanks for the schoolin’ Colin! Here is his speechif you are interested.
